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*****DarkAngel*****

Clown's Face













Home | Baby | Who I Am | My kids | Heartbroken- Kayden's Page | Abuse Poems And Stories | When things seem hopeless | Clown's Face | True Love | Battle Between the Light and Dark | No Means No | My Light Side ..... Love and Laughter and Light | My Dark Thoughts/Poetry......... Enter My Mind | My Dark Thoughts and Poetry..... Digging Deeper | Deeper Into The Dark | About my friends | PHOTOS | Pictures Of Family And Friends | A mixture of Recent Poems.. poems that still need to be "classified" | The newest dark | Poems I Wrote Years Ago...... A Mixture | Ramblings....... Thoughts..............Views | MEMORIES ........ | Shattered Dreams,Broken Promises. | Music..... something very important to me





My Clown's Face ......... A face I have worn for so many years to mask the way I really feel inside.My way of hiding from people seeing the "real" me.My way of protecting myself from being hurt.My way of not allowing people to see how badly I hurt inside,ache, how I truly feel towards myself and life. It's my way to avoid ever really living.Of keeping people out.

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Sometimes,it gets so wearing,constantly feeling as if I need to hide the way that I feel... I try to,but I can't always run and hide  from my feelings.And that's when I try to close up more.Attempt to re enter the darkness.I fear people knowing me,and when someone gets close to me,I push them away,and paste on my "face" ..... I search for acceptence and love,yet try to hide my own feelings of inadequecy and worthlessness.I don't see myself worth having someone care for me,so I put on my face,and pretend that I see myself as a someone,I see myself as loveable,that I love my life,when in reality,I am crying inside and seeking answers  I so desperately wish to find.Hiding is a habit with me.I do not really know any other way of life ..... so I robotically go through the motions,paste on a smile,and pretend I am ok,when I am actually not....... that's me.That's what my clown's face is ..... and I wonder ..... will I always be this way,or will one day,I be able to face my feelings head on,and open up and let the people I care for,in...
















With a smile ...
 
With a smile you can tell a thousand lies
But the truth is always there in your eyes
Want people to believe your happy and carefree
Smiling that smile you want everyone to see
Your true feelings you try to hide,to others,forbidden
But still, your eyes, tell the truth you keep hidden
You can laugh and smile,try to fool those around
But in your eyes,the truth will always be found
Smile and alugh, of your happiness you talk
But always- your eyes-your words, the mock
The sadness is there, if only someone should look
Plain as day, read like an open book
Your tears- they show, even when your not crying
The pain inside that makes you feel like dieing
You can try to run from your feelings, but never can hide
The truth is always there, lurking deep inside
You've gotten so good at hiding the way you feel
That even you have a hard time knowing what is real
Afraid to let your true feelings show
Acting fake, so no one will know
But the truth is always there in your eyes
Even with your smile of a thousand lies
feb 22-05
 
 
 
 
when you look at me what do you see
do you see who I really am or who I want to be
can you see the pain and anguish i'm hiding inside
can you see all the hurt feelings, that i've left denied
Or is all you see is the shell I allow to show
While the anger and pain inside me just grows
I smile the smile to make everyone believe i'm okay
From my face, I fight to not let the smile stray
Laugh and joke around like nothing is on my mind
But if you dig deeper, look within, you'll find
someone who's a mess, who's crying within
Fighting this battle with my emotions I feel I can't win
Trying to hide the way I feel has become the only way
I know how to make it thru each day
So scared to let someone close enough to see
The way I feel .. the confusion that is me
Yet scared of never having anyone understand how I feel
The feelings I feel are intense, raw and real
How can I keep hiding when things get to be so tough
to hide my feelings used to never be this rough
I feel so alone, so many times I cry myself to sleep at night
Unsure if showing my true feelings is wrong or right
can anyone hear me, as I cry silently out for someone to know
All those feelings I'm too scared to let show
 
feb 5-07

 
 

Clown's Face

Tears roll down my face
Yet I keep my clowns face on
Feeling alone,out of place
Fearing facing yet another mornings dawn
Feeling so much anger,hurt and pain
Try to hide the way I feel inside
My feelings too hard to explain
On a rocky rollar coaster ride
Need to smile,put up a good front
So I paste on a happy smile and laugh
My feelings are something I just can't confront
So I drift along down this path
Wandering aimlesly,lost in my mind
Not knowing where I am or where I'm going
Not even caring of what I will find
Only afraid of my true feelings showing
I cry my tears and struggle not to show
The pain I feel inside to anyone
They can try to understand but they will never know
How hard it is not to run
I want to hide and never emerge
But something keeps me here
Close to a breakdown yes,I'm on the verge
Yet I still fight to hide my tears
Paste on the smile I am so sick of seeing
And put on the show expected of me
Wonder what is even the reason for my being
Cause that reason is hard to see
Smile this smile and laugh so no one knows
Just how I feel deep herein
Fight not to let it show
Smile on the outside and cry within
(02-08-2002)

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Clown's Face part 2
 
Try so hard not to care
Try so hard not to show
How I feel when no one is there
How deeply I hurt inside
How alone I feel
Not let them see the tears I've cried
Or who that they see isn't real
To everyone I appear so put together
So happy and carefree
I've been hiding the way I feel forever
Cause who they see,it isn't really me
They see someone strong
They see the parts they wish
I'm this person so we can get along
The unhappy feelings,when shown,they dismiss
They want me to be the person I pretend to be
So I give them what it is they want
But no one seems to see it's not really me
And my inner torments,they taunt
That if I let the real me out
Then no one would be around
No one cares what I am really about
That is what I've always found
So,I put on a smile and let no one know
How much I really hurt inside
I don't let the real me show
It never works out,I've tried
Sometimes I feel my life is a lie
Because of the act I put on
But if I let them see me cry
I'm afraid that they'd leave me,and be gone
So I cry only to myself at night
Keep my clowns face on,and feelings buried deep within.
 
 

 
 
Clown's Face part 3
 
Still hiding,still wearing my "face"
Feelings so alone and out of place
Hide the tears and anguish deep inside
Paste on my 'face" ,it's time to hide
Smile my smile and laugh for all around
Give the impression that things are fine
My tears are for me only to see,they're mine
Don't want anyone to know how I hurt within
Even if I wanted to,I wouldn't know where to begin
Grow so good at hiding the way I really feel
That my "clown's face" almost seems real
Sometimes it's even hard for me to tell
I wear my clown's face oh so well
If anyone knew what would they say
That in truth,I cry day after day
That each night when I close my eyes
I do nothing but lay there and cry
It's safer for me this way,keeping it inside
And using my clown's face,the real me to hide
Everyone thinks I'm so put together
And honestly,I believe,this way,it's better
Not to let my true feelings show
Never to let anyone know
I'll keep my face painted on
Until the day these feelings I bury within,are gone
(May 28,02)

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