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****WHY****
Why do I keep fighting to survive
A life that is not worth it
Why do I torment myself with hope
With the belief that things can change
That things will,when I know better
Why do I allow myself to be let down
repeately
Allow myself to hold onto hope
When it's all pointless
When things will never change
Never go right
Why do I allow myself to feel this way
When I know how it will all eventually end
How it will all be
Why have
faith,when it will only be destroyed
Why have hope,when it's always broken
Why dream when they are always shattered
Why even try anymore when it's always this way
And always shall be
Why hope for a brighter day
When I know
it will never come
(12-06-01)
Look in the mirror and I cry
Trying so hard to understand
Why it is I even try
To understand all of lives demands
Why go on when there is no changing things
Why let it matter anymore
Pain and confusion is all life brings
So
what am I even trying for
Time and time again I let myself down
By allowing myself to believe
That it will be
different this time around
Myself,I try to decieve
But in the end it's always the same
And I am forced to see
That being worth anything is only a cruel game
Cause that isn't really me
Life plays cruel tricks on my mind
Allowing
me to believe it may not be so
Yet in the end I always find
It to be proven what I should always know
I am only
me,no one worth anything to anyone
The doormat to be walked on time and time again
Toying with my emotions for others
is fun
And the hurt and pain remains
What's the use of going on anymore
When things will always be this way
I
wish I could answer death's knock on my door
And not wake to yet another day
(02-08-2002)
I
Defeated
The only word I can think of
To describe how I feel inside
Wishing I could run and hide
Completely
and utterly defeated
Defeated by pain,hurt and anguish
By life's many trials and downfalls
Defeated by my loss
of hope and faith
Loss of will,of drive
Defeated by all that has occured
And even by what is yet to come
Knowing
that in the end
No matter how hard I strive to change
How hard I try to beleve
In the end all I will feel,is defeat
A feeling I am so familiar with
Yet,so tired of feeling
I try to live and learn
But the feeling of defeat
remains
I try to learn from my mistakes
Yet I still remain defeated by them
Maybe it is only a state of mind
Maybe
one day it will change
Until then the only word I can find
Is defeated.
(02-08-2002)
DARKNESS
darkness
all around me
a void
never to be filled
never
be completed
darkness
overtakes me
consumes me
rules me
body and soul
darkness
Welcomes me
calls
to me
enticing me
excites me
Embraces me
the darkness
it's all around
everywhereI look
everywhere I turn
I see
nothing
but darkness
KNIFE
Look at the steel blade
of the knife
run my finger
along the sharp edge
Envision
it plunging into
the tender skin of my wrist
envision all the blood
dripping out slowly
push it in deeper
harder
until the blood pours out
and my life slowly
painfully
drains out of me
and I answer Death's
tempting call
give in
to the temptation
quicker the blood
flows out
I stare down
at the beautiful
sight
and watch as the last of it
slowly drains out
feel the last spark of life
take a last deep breath
until
finally
I am no more
UNTITLED
intense
deep
burning
consuming
body
mind
soul
controlling
every step
every thought
every emotion
depression
sinks in
takes over
no choice
unhappy
down
frightened
out of my mind
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Lost,scared,wondering why I am even alive
Everyday a struggle,a constant fight to stay alive
An incredible intense pain washes over me
As once again,I ask myself,why must I be
So tired of living my life,of being here
Scared,knowing that my day of release is near
I welcome the day I die with open arms
My safe haven,away from anymore harm
Yet,I fear it just a little more than I care to admit
So far,to it's freedom,I've not been able to commit
Why this is I honestly do not know
Always in my head,the voices urge me to go
Cry a river of never ending tears
Ache an endless ache
Merely exist
Until I can leave this world
Merely go through the motions
Not really living
Merely existing
Thoughts,visions of my death
Fill my head,flood my thoughts
Dreams of no longer existing
Ceasing to be
Are all I can see
All I want,wish for,desire
Constantly wondering
Will that day ever come
Will I ever escape my life
Be freed of my existence
Or will I be forced
To carry on, Trapped here
In a life I no longer wish to live
As I struggle to fight the feelings within
I wonder who I am and why I am here
Don't know where I am going,where to
begin
Only that I am filled with fear
Fear of facing yet another day
Fear of being alone and hurt again
Fear
of never figuring out the right thing to say
To try to make people understand
I do not think like everyone I know
I do not see life the same
I try not to let my anger and pain show
The way I feel I try not to name
Just accept
it as something that will not go away
A part of the me I'm trying to find
This hurt and confusion seems to be here
to stay
And I am slowly going out of my mind
I continue down the path
Trying to find out who it is I am
Trying
to cope with reality's hurtful wrath
Struggling so hard each day to understand
Maybe as I travel this journey of mine
I will find what it is I seek
I want to believe I will make it,I'll be fine
But every day is unique
I can
not predict what is to come
I can not say I will pass this test
I can say my heart and mind are numb
Weary and
aching,wishing for rest
Who Am I and where is it I am going
Why must I be lost in my own misery
Will I ever find
the true me
How much longer can I survive not knowing
(02-08-2002)
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